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I've already done a lot of crying this morning, and I have no doubt I will do more.
I don't know of any mother who doesn't have dreams for her children. I am no exception. In order to maintain any semblance of sanity, I finally let go and let God have my oldest daughter.
This morning, I did the same for my youngest. She's 19, beautiful, talented, caring. She's also chemically altering and damaging her not yet fully developed brain.
She will soon be moving in with a full-blown alcoholic. She has been drinking far more than I suspected, which explains the insanity I have been seeing/hearing. God knows what drugs have been thrown in there too.
I knew she was dancing on the cusp of addiction/alcoholism, but had hoped some how, some way, she would pull back out.
I have had my faith tested many times before, but this is by far the most painful.
I just got done talking with my sponsor.
I have a letter to write to my youngest.
Then I must get on with my life, protect my recovery for the precious seed that it is in my hand. I will close my hand and hold it tight.
I started college classes online June 2nd, two one-semester classes in 8 weeks time. It's going to be intensive.
Thank God for recovery, because it has taught me that even though I feel my heart has been ripped to shreds, even when I hurt so bad I feel like I'm going to vomit, I can keep putting one foot in front of the other and weather the storm, one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time if that is what it takes. |
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